i havent been writing.. i wonder why? have you ever been in a situation when your heart wants something else despite your brain telling you otherwise. i'm a practical person. i dont believe in magical miracles and out of world things like that. if you work hard, u'll get what u work for. if u wish and pray hard enough for sth, your prayer will be answered. i watched 'chungking express' couple of weeks ago. its a cantonese movie where guys in the movie were weirdly pathetic bunch of people - crushingly devastated over being dumped by their gfs. so blinded by their sorrow and melancholy, they didnt see who's been standing in front of their own eyes all along. o well, i dont recommend you watching it, unless u're into eccentric movies which require a bit of brain use. anyways, the final yr students are now no longer students. peah, ali and hajar, my long time bestfrens since i were still a stupid innocent 1st yr medical student- they are now no longer students! introducing the brand new doctors to roam the hospitals, to be harassed by us medical students, and to lose weight and get stressed over annoying nurses, long nights, and lack of social life. lol. (i am predicting the future) ;) i wish them my warmest and happiest congratulations! they deserve this so much, i knew they are gonna be doctors months before they sat for their exams :) i wish them all the best for the upcoming working life. i am utmost defintely assured that they will do extremely well as doctors as they have always been in medical school. till then, have u ever thing that rockers are really fake? do they seriously wear clothes as uncomfortable as what they wear in tv? gosh

happiness as such is a very subjective matter.. some ppl will be happy with no money in hand, but family to laugh with. some feels that prosperity is the key.

success. excellence. are the key to happiness.

i have long being 'programmed' to think that happiness have to be that. pass my exams. be a good student. study.

long gone the days when i can just be happy with having been able to caught the biggest grasshopper. happy that my rabbits hopped towards me when i call (altho i'm sure they came because they thought i was bringing food). happy that my dad baught us icecreams.

at the back of my mind now, i still wish i am like that. to be satisfied with small little things, and be more thankful and content with life.

but i guess i am too much of a fiery little thing to settle for less ;)

p/s: pray for my success please. thnk u.

a lot of ppl has asked the same Q. when is my flight home. to satisfy all these curiosity, its at the 18th of aug. and i will insya Allah be home for a good 4 weeks :D

this weekend is  the easter holidays. its a 4 day break including the weekends. not much, but very needed. i have been behind in my works, and mostly because of self induced laziness. :( i will definitely try to catch up with my reading this weekend, as much as i can.

i will be going to warwick castle on sunday with couple of friends. i love day trips. hopefully the weather will be fantastic and im sure the company will be great. :D

in the train of the way back from kettering, i read the metro news. its always the same news. everyday. some people still in war. some other people bombed someplace and died. some other people want to interfere with other people's business in handling their countrymen. God, its exasperatingly annoying to know all these grown ups  fighting over petty stuff. tho i wouldnt call oil 'petty', but it will run out sooner or later. and if the oil is not from your bloody country, why go and steal someone elses?

i went to a symposium last weekend. it was an eye opener. education is important. doesnt matter how much help we offer. if they refuse to make themselves learn. lets just call it quits. God doesnt just says that He will not change a race, unless they change themselves. so change for Godsake.. is that so hard to do?

thnx to fiz.. i have bought my flight ticket to msiaa!!! and i managed to get Dr H permission for another week off. and so thnx to him as well!!

this is a new motivation for me to work hard then! aja nazimah! msia is waiting for uuu!

hey im back in labour ward again. this time, one lady in labor and its 1130. hope the night will improve.

we are planning to watch teenage mutant ninja turtle tomorrow, solely because it has such a sentimental nostalgic memory to it. my childhood memory of me and my 2 sisters and a brother fighting over who should be leonardo and raphael (sp?). its just because leonardo is the 'leader' and raphael has a cool pair of knives or sth like that. we watch ninja turtle every week, and i just love the idea of mutated turtles. all these genetics scientific out of the world things. very intriguing when u are small and all u could think about is a fantasy life.

i was sitting down thinking about making money with fiz just now. she asked me what i wanted to do realistically to make money. and i said- i would like to open a 'midvalley'. lol. she gave me 'a look'. doesnt matter. when i have a 'midvalley' i'll invite her to the grand opening ceremony :) brb

ive catched my first baby just now. lol. i thought i would be all excited and cheering myself- nope- i didnt. it was pleasantly quick and calm. a very peaceful event. many thnx to the patient for letting me catch her baby and trusting me ( a mere med student who have just observed 2 deliveries) :O

till then. good night (im too tired and sleepy to think right)

its 5am and guess where am i? in labour wards, been here since 830pm, but someone must have jinxed this place, or my luck is not on my side tonite. 2 rejections, fiz got to see one, and no deliveries yet so far at all. and this one lady is screaming like crazy- distracting me from my mission to finish the bloody workbook.

so i guess this is the so called 'exciting' medical life. waiting around. and waiting around some more.

i am missing my bed sooo much (thnk God for 9 hour sleep last night), but seriously it was not helping now. feel like chucking my eyes out and wash them with sterile saline. they are starting to irritate me bad. haih...

anyways- pray for me so that i'll get to see a delivery. amiin (ive seen one actually- just wanna finish the yellow bugging book)

i loooove it when ppl tagged me!! :D its like i'm invited to a secret game where only cool ppl can join in and write about their little sth watever. muahahaha! (thnx fiz for making my day!)

“Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names."

1. i secretly love exams. how many times i moan about it, how lazy i am in revising. i am actually deep down inside having a love affair with exams. its an adrenaline boost and an exciting challenge for me. i dont think i can live normally without exams to haunt me year in year out. or maybe its more like a love + hate relationship. slightly non-functional. :P

2. i sometimes hear my thoughts in my head aloud (like im talking to myself). and spontaneously get excited with the new exciting thought. :D sitting on my own in my room, i sometimes jolt upright in alert- wearing a weird 'pencerahan agung' look- meaning= having a new plan, project, thought, revolution, etc. (monologs are cool way to activate brain cells!)

3. caffein makes me really deadly hyperactive. like super duper hyper (ask fiz.. she has to physically restrain me drinking/eating coffee/coffee related food, or else i'll be jumping off the roof!) but i am now slowly getting addicted to it. erm.... :-S

4. i looove staring at ppl's skin. flawless satin smooth skin. doesnt matter its a girl's face, a man's face, a consultant, a patient, a passerby, a cashier. u name it. i'll stare very obviously. i love looking at magazine's adverts with a model's face which has been computerisedly edited to make it look illogically flawless, plastered full page. i'll look at it for many minutes. :P

5. i cant look at ppl scratching their skin (esp if they are doing it vigorously!!). anyone. be it a stranger. i have a very strong urge to ask them to stop torturing their skin! (thanks to my dad who is very anti- scratching!) the noise, the motion. just makes me feel like grabbing their hands or tying them together! (its very diificult to fight this urge when i am now based in renal wards and half of the patients are scratching their skin off!!)

6. i still make up imaginative stories in my head if i cant go to sleep at night. me and my sister used to do this when we are little, and i guess habits as such is hard to kill. :) we used to make up stories of 4 cm tall midget friends, and rooms of chocolates, and yards of colorful flower farms. now, if its really hard to get my brain to shut down (usually after a cup of coffee) i still make stories up. :) (they sometimes appear later in my dreams )

:D and so, im tagging;
1. sid
2. zu
3. ifi
4. peah
5. maduh (? i wonder whether he'll do it or not)
6. you

i have been in the hospital most of the time now. trying to get as much practice as possible. and the business of talking to patients, does not come easy- a few hurdles need to be taken care off;

1. nasty nurses who told you off for not asking their permission before talking to patients (eventho we are attached to the ward)

2. other medical students (imposters) who claimed they are attached to the ward and hog the patients, causing us to be shushed from the ward

3. patients who refused to speak to us becaue they have been harrassed by so many students already.

4. patient's visitors and rest period

5. teaching sessions which are cancelled after we've been waiting around for a long time.

as a conclusion, towards exam times, medical students need to be very thick-skinned. be able to handle lots and lots of rejections ( i am well experienced in this field- thnak goodness), be able to smile politely and say thank you even if u are rejected, or being told of by nurses.

and going back to my title here- which is respect. altho we are mere students. no qualifications, no nothing. mere stupid students. we still deserve respect as other human being.

and to another topic, i have been ill. and been very very busy. juggling work, and house problem (tht seems to be never-ending and walking in a circle - i feel like giving up), msian dinner, and on top of that, coming down with a flu. i mean seriously , cant i have more things to think about.

and i'm starting to be slightly nasty now. seriyesly. if ppl are nasty to me? do they deserve  my smile and my care? I HAVE BEEN SENSING A LOT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY POURING OUT OF ME. its undeniably sickening and frustrating. but- its just bad timing for ppl to mess around with me . really.

i know i will bounce out of this. its a matter of time and space. i know i will. so please be patient :)

days when u see ur frens differently. is when u know she has change, or is it u that has changed?

growing pains is not a thing u get as a kid. u get them now.

things tht has been in my mind lately;
1. is she a friend ?
2. what have i done?
3. why?
4. why??

haha- such twisted mind. gosh.

i hope my long lost friend is doing okay now. i used to have fun with her and now shes in malaysia. i hope shes happy wherever and watevr shes doing now. amiin.

its friday 11.30 am, and i'm already back from the hospital. i tell u how medical students life is in hospital. there are days when all patients charmingly want to talk to you, all the doctors keenly eager to pour their wisdom into our head, and exciting new cases just pop thru the ward door.

and there are days, when all patients have renal colic and acute retentions, and drowsy asleep, and the ward just have no doctors available/free, and radiology dept wants us to book in advance before turning up to observe ivu. these consequently produce a low motivation to prowl the wards, and a higher determination to go home. o well.. it's friday.. :P

a lot of things have happen in the past week. a lot of them i'm not proud and happy of . but looking at them in a positive light, i guess things happen for a reason. no matter how distressingly depressing these things are. they do serve a purpose. either to teach me, or to become a guidance referance if ever the same thing is to occur again in the future. i shall know better.and now i do.

when something bitter happen to me. i wish to let it go. to never talk about it again and to not be reminded about them. its in the past. water under the bridge. shush. as for those who are affected by it, we learn from it. and we grow. i refuse to not recover and repent, i refuse to forever be a sinner.

and so. i feel like ive grown. like i know things and people better now.

:) now that is over and done with, i shall bury my nose in talley o connor again.
till then, please do remind me to share kindness and love with my family and friends. for sometimes human being forgets these values in life. and i am a human.